My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
