new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
