Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
