I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to make a zoo with you.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize