I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
