Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
