dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
