Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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