my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
