1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
