I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
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