My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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