I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
