i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
