OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
