there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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