he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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