so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
