I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
