I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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