grandma shit on top of the toilet
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
