I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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