I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
