I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
