By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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