DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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