hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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