Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Randomize
