It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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