At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
