The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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