dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
