Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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