i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We got so high we made milksteak
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize