I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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