i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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