i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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