You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
