I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
