I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
