I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
