This is not my ceiling
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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