i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
