I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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