It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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