Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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