I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
