I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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