I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
