I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
