don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
