so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
