this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize