3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
