Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
