when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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