I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
