what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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